


GREEN MONSTER

by Crizz



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-25 02:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2605739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crizz/pseuds/Crizz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>- Since Yunho was very close with his grandfather, I just thought it'll be natural for him to dream about his harabeoji (and not his parents) when he was at his saddest~</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. THIS IS HOW THEY BROKE UP

 

“What the hell was that?”

Changmin asked – voice low and serious.

 

“What was what?”

Yunho replied nonchalantly – turning left and right to bow and smile at the Do Dream producers and staffs.

 

Changmin paused to do the same. After they were (relatively) alone again in the hallway, he continued,

“You were being rude and snappish in the show..  _Especially_  to Kyuhyun”

 

Yunho can’t help but make faces at the mention of that hated name. If Changmin saw his sneer, the younger man doesn’t call him out for it.

 

“I’m  _older_  than they are, I don’t remember I was the one who has to be polite and respectful”

He replied haughtily.

 

Changmin stares incredulously at the older man for a while,

“No~.. But you are the  **one**  person that would never abuse their senior status.. You’re always the kindest fluffiest and childish of all the hyungs.. Everybody knows  _that_! Heck, you act more maknae than any maknaes~!”

 

“Che.  _Whatever_.”

Yunho scoffed and walked away.. At least he attempted to..

 

Changmin caught his forearm before he could even take a step.

“Nu-uh.. I’m not about to just let you temper tantrum your way out of this. You’ve been acting weird since the new album came out. We’re dealing with it now, in this  _fucking_  hallway if that’s what it takes. After that, you going to march back in that room and apologize to Kyu.”

 

“Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what to do?!”

 

“I’m your lover  **AND**  your group mate for 10 years.. I  _think_  that counts for something!”

 

Idly he thought that maybe this  _ISN’T_  the best place to hash out their argument. While currently deserted at this time of the night, anyone could just popped out from any of the numerous waiting room to see what’s the commotion all about.

 

“ **Fuck**  you!”

 

Changmin drew a sharp breath – shocked at his usually gentle hyung’s behavior.

 

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

He asked softly.

 

Yunho jerked his arm away from Changmin’s hold,

 

“It’s always ‘ _Kyu this_ ’  _Kyu that_ ’ with you, isn’t it?”

He hissed.

“ _Lover_?! Hah, don’t make me laugh! All you care about is just the fact that I wasn’t being all sweet to  **YOUR**  Kyu.. How about me?! What about how I feel?! He was being rude to me – not just today, even from before.. and you don’t even care! In fact you laugh alongside with him!”

 

Changmin was stunned but tried to defend Kyu and himself,

“He never means what he says, you know that.. Plus Kyu is just the same as me: we don’t do the typical ‘ _cute maknae_ ’ gig. He actually really likes you and feel comfortable enough to tease you..”

 

He reached out to his upset lover once again but Yunho just recoiled from his touch.

 

“ **Don’t**. Just.. Don’t.”

 

He swallowed and Changmin feels all kind of horror when he sees the watery sheen of glazed those brown orbs.

 

“It wasn’t just Kyuhyun.. If it was just his attitude, I wouldn’t care so much.. After all, it’s not as if we going to meet them everyday.. But you.. You just..”

Another heavy swallowing before he continues,

“Changmin, you dropped  _everything_  when Kyuhyun calls.. No matter where we are, no matter what we’re doing at the time. You guys are best friends? I get it.. I really  _do_. But Changmin-ah, I started to think that it’s not just ‘ _friends_ ’ anymore between the two of you.. ‘ _You’re mine_ ’ ‘ _I’m Yours_ ’ thingie?? Changmin, you slapped  **me**  away if I ever so much touched your hand in public.. The only thing I ever heard you tell  _ANY_ one about me were all complaints. When your precious Kyuhyun or  _anyone_ , really.. made fun of me, you always laugh and add in more.”

 

He takes one step backward,

“Honestly, I’m tired.. I’m so  _so_  tired feeling I would never measure up. I felt it with Jae before.. And I just don’t have the energy to continue fighting for some little scraps of  _your_  attention too..”

 

Another step.

 

“I need someone who loves  **me**  the most, Changmin-ah.. Not someone who loves me when it’s convenient for them only..”

 

And  _another_

 

“I was so weak before.. But now I can’t afford to be stupid anymore.”

 

A deep breath.

“I’m leaving you. I love you and I’m leaving you… And I need you to be okay with that because  **I**  need to be okay with that..”

 

“Yun..”

 

“No. I made up my mind and this is for both of us. I know we’re both professional enough not to let this interfere with TVXQ survival. So goodbye Changmin-ah.”

 

And he turned around.

 

“Wai..!”

Changmin tried grabbing at Yunho but the other man hurried away.

 

“ **Shit!** ”

 

And that’s how HoMin is no more.

 

 

 

 


	2. THIS IS HOW LOVE AND HATE COLLIDE

 

Changmin looks down on his phone – turning it over and over in his hand, contemplating. He seemed oblivious to the joyous and noisy atmosphere surrounding him.

 

“Yo man.. I’ve been looking all over for you~!”

 

Kyuhyun flopped down next to him – all wide grin and dazed eyes. Changmin could smell the alcohol from his friend a mile away.

 

“What the hell are you doing all grumpy-like at the corner here? It’s not often that the company rent the whole of the poshest club in town as a reward for us. Do you have  _ANY_  idea how hard to get into this one? I’ve once waited for like three hours outside with Leeteuk hyung and  ** _still_  **can’t get in, man!”

 

Changmin didn’t tell Kyuhyun that he and Yunho are the  **VVIP**  member and they can  _damn_  well come here anytime they want to – largely due to the owner obsession with TVXQ (especially towards Yunho).

 

“C’mon, lets have some fun. Both of us are on break for three weeks right? So we can drink until sun rises and no one can say otherwise! Why are you fiddling with your phone? Aww, is Little Minnie misses his hyung? That man is older than you and if Yunho-hyung is too much of a prude to join us, then it’s  _his_  loss. Hey is that Seohyun? Damn that girl got some  **rack**! Hey Min, I heard that she has the hots for you..”

 

Changmin rolled his eyes and scoffed.

 

“Yeah, I don’t understand it either.. But this eternal-grumpy look you have going must be working coz girls seem to go crazy! … And some  _men_  too..”

AT the sudden serious note, Changmin looked up to his friend only to see Kyuhyun is back to grinning his idiotic normal grin and am now is pulling Changmin’s arm to get him to stand up. Flashing multicolor strobe lights causes him to look almost manic.

 

“Come on! I’ll be damn if I let any member of Kyuline be a wallflower! Dance with us~! Hey guys, drinks all around!! Changmin’s finally joining us!!!”

 

A roar of approval rose from the overcrowded dance floor.

Changmin lets himself being dragged – swallowed into the midst of writhing jumping bodies.

 

His phone lying forgotten on the table,  **lost**  among the half emptied bottles.

***********************

 

* _Knocks on the door_ *

 

“Yunho, honey? I made some Jeonbokjuk.. Come down for dinner?”

 

“Ah ye.. I’ll be down in just a sec, Umma..”

 

Yunho put down the magazine on top of his old writing desk, pausing just long enough to let first his eyes then his fingers caressing the bright colored picture on the front page.

Sighing before shaking his head and smiling ruefully, he retreat and left the room – shutting the door firmly behind him.

 

There on the glossy cover was a picture a tall attractive man dancing sandwiched by another attractive man and a beautiful woman – all three of them pressed too close to be socially acceptable in public. From the glazed looks in their eyes, it was obvious that all three were drunk or drugged.. or  **both**.

 

‘ **Shim Changmin (TVXQ), Cho Kyuhyun (Super Junior) and Seohyun (SNSD): Three Powerful Maknaes Illicit Behaviour During SME Party? Possible Love War? More stories and pictures inside provided by our resource on behind the scene in the most posh private after-party of entertainment world.** ’

 

‘ _Two weeks Changmin… That was how long it takes for you to get over me?_ ’

 

**********************************

 

“Okay  if everyone has no question or problem with the schedule, I guess we could wrap this meeting up. Remember to be here on Friday evening. Shooting will start at around 8:30.. Kamsahamnida everyone.. Have a good day.”

 

Yunho gathered his copy of Guerilla Date script and put it in his sling bag. From the corner of his eyes he could see Changmin doing the same.

 

It’s been a month since they were separate and despite the fact that Yunho was the one who broke it off, he is also the one who seems worse for it. The younger man looks amazingly gorgeous as usual…

 

While Yunho stumbled and fumbled his way through the first day they met again after a three weeks holiday (during which they haven’t seen each other at all), Changmin just smiled – calm as  **fuck**  and asked Yunho how his holiday was and did he enjoyed going back to Gwangju and met his old friends. 

 

Since he came back, Changmin treats him no less like he would to a dear friend whom just happened to be his roommate as well. The maknae’s been polite but not painfully so, nice to Yunho and not trolling his leader as he’s prone to do before, polite and obedient and friendly to their staff that Yunho suspects that Changmin already stole his no.1 spot in the  **Favourite**   **List**. 

 

He never – not even  _once_  asked Yunho to reconsider their breakup.. Not even once he even  **MENTIONED**  he was sorry or even angry at Yunho..

 

It hurts.

It  _really_  hurts..

 

To know how easily discarded he actually is.

How forgettable he is..

How  **unimportant**.

 

…. How he was never missed like he  _painfully_  misses Changmin.

 

“Ch.. Changmin.”

He blurted out – immediately wincing inside.

 

“Yes?”

The younger man turned away from the open door, smiling pleasantly at Yunho.

“Is there anything, hyung?”

 

“Uh.. no.. no, it’s okay. I..uh.. See you later?”

Yunho offered lamely.

 

“Ah.. I might be a bit late today. Kyu asked me to join them SuJu for bowling..”

 

“Oh, okay.. That’s great. Have a good time then.”

 

“I’m pretty sure they would be happy if you want to join us..”

 

“Oh no no no.. I.. I have tonne of other stuffs to do as well.. You know.. and **People**! People to meet and.. and you know.. um.. stuff..”

Yunho wonders if it’s possible to sound more pathetic than he is now.

 

“Hyung…”

Changmin started towards him.

 

Which freaks the hell out of Yunho,

 

“Em, okay. I’ll be off now. Bye!”

 

He ran passed Changmin and out the door before the latter could say anything else.

 

It  _hurts_.

 

********************************

 

“Hey Yun~ How’s my favourite baby mochi?”

 

“Oh hey, Jae”

 

“Wow. My pink vibrator has more life than you.  _AND_  that was  **AFTER**  I used it for 5 hours straight! Bless its extra-strong vibrating core..”

 

“Ok, first of all:  _T.M.I_  Jae!”

 

“Hey don’t diss it ‘til you try it~.. Trust me, on cold lonely night with only your hand for company, these babies really hit the spot. And when I said that, I meant it literally.. Especially my diamond encrusted one, sure I have it custom-made but just say when and I totally lend it to y….”

 

At this point Yunho stuck fingers in both his ears and starts singing loudly.

 

Jaejoong laughed and reached over to ruffle his ex’s hair.

“Ah.. I miss  **you** , baby Mochi.. I really do.”

 

Yunho took out his fingers and smiled back,

“I miss you too, Jae..”

 

“Now tell your hyung, what’s wrong?.. Who hurts you, darling?”

 

“What makes you think something is wrong?  Can’t I just meet you coz I misses you?”

 

Jaejoong gave Yunho a look,

“How long have we been best friends? 11.. 12 years? And 5 of those years we were sleeping with each other. I think it’s  _safe_  to say I know you the best among everyone else on earth and that  **includes**  your parents.”

 

He leaned back on his chair and stares at Yunho in contemplation – causing the younger man to squirms in his seat uneasily. Jaejoong could always reads him best.. And Yunho has yet to find a way to outwit Jaejoong in his ‘ _interrogation_ ’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

”Hmm… So how is our Little Changminnie?”

 

“Uh.. he’s okay. He’s.. um.. I think he’s looking for a house now.”

 

Jaejoong raised an eyebrow at this,

“ _Really_?”

 

And only Kim Jaejoong could put a tonne of different meanings on that single word.

 

“Uh yeah. Somewhere closer to Kyuhyun.. You know him right? The maknae and lead singer in SuJu..”

Yunho said – smiling so widely that he feels his face gonna split soon.

 

Jaejoong nodded,

“Yes, I know him.  **Snotty**  little brat.. Leeteuk too soft with him..”

 

Yunho chuckled,

“C’mon.. as if we didn’t spoil Changmin rotten ourselves.. You know we coddled him too much.”

 

“No~ that was on you alone.. All he has to do is blink to you with those humongous eyes and you crumpled like a stack of cards.. Pathetic, Yun.. Just pathetic..  _tsk_.. _tsk_.. _tsk_.. You know, the thing I worried most when we left was that he would keep on bullying you into doing whatever he wants. Especially now that you guys are  **together**..”

 

Yunho cleared his throat,

“Uh.. you can rest your mind on that..”

 

Jaejoong raised both eyebrows – waiting.

 

“We.. um.. we are not together anymore..”

Yunho took a swallow of his ice water nervously.

 

“… I see.. I was kinda wondering when I saw that magazine cover. The  **Yunho**  I know would never let his member, let alone his  _lover_ , be that careless in public – no matter how much of a private party they were at. So what happened? Why did little shit break your heart? Should I go and break his nose?”

  
Yunho hold up a hand,

“No no no.. it was nothing like that..  **I**  was the one that broke it off with him. He’s not at fault, okay.. Sometimes things are just not meant to be and that’s that.. I don’t need anyone to be my hero. I just want a friend now..”

 

He sighed

 

“Yunho?”

 

“Jae, you are my best friend and I’m not asking for sympathy.. or even your understanding here.. And while yes it hurts that things not working out with Changmin, what I’m about to ask you has nothing to do with him.. well, at least not totally.”

 

“What is it that you want to ask?”

 

“Like you said, you know me best than anyone else.. Jae, answer this honestly… What’s wrong with me?”

 

At the heartbreakingly small voice, Jaejoong cursed vehemently

“That shit! That fucking shit! He promised me that he would look after you! I’mma go and break his face now..”

 

He made to stand up from his chair but Yunho scrambled forward and hold onto his hand.

“Jae please..  **Don’t**. I told you he’s not to blame.. I was the one that broke things off, not him. Jae, Jae.. you’re making a scene.. Sit  _down_..”

 

Jaejoong stopped struggling to get Yunho letting go of his hand and looking down at those pleading almond eyes, he sighed and slumped back into his seat.

 

“Yunho..”

He pleads.

 

“Thank you.. I appreciate your concern, I really do.. But Jae, I asked you because I need to know from  **one**  person that I trust the most. I need to know so I could let go.. I need this for  _me_. I want to know why did we break up? Which part of me that wasn’t  **up**  to your measure?”

 

“Don’t  _do_  this to yourself Yunho.. It’s not worth it. You’re worth more than a thousand Changmin and a thousand  _me_  put together..”

 

“Well if I’m so  _fucking_  perfect then why two people that I really love decided that I am not enough?!”

 

At the bitter, self-condemned voice Jaejoong sighed and rubbed his eyes. On his life, he never meant to hurt his friend. He thought.. no, he  _knew_  that it was the best decision for them at the time.

 

“Yunho..”

 

He paused to gather his thought,

“I.. We.. Yunho-ya~ you know as well as I do what a  _cruel_  world entertainment industry really is. Sometimes I think the only blessed thing that comes out from all the bullshit we’ve been through is that at least I’ve met  **you**. I love you, Yunho.. You know I have always been and always  _will_  be. But Yun-ah~ it’s not that you’re not enough.. It’s just..”

 

Here Jaejoong took a deep breath and decided to just go through with it,

“Sometimes you’re too much..  **NOT**  in a bad way.. Just~.. Yunho, you’re such a good  _gentle_  person that you set up this.. this  **pedestal**  that I don’t think any normal person could ever hope to achieve.”

 

“I never asked you to be anyone else but  _YOU_ , Jae..”

Yunho said quietly… sadly..

 

“I know.. I know.. I’m not saying that you did. I’m saying that you’re all innocent light and sunshine and everything  **perfect**  and righteous in this world.. And sometimes, it could get pretty frustrating and  _tiring_  trying to be worth of that. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s not that you.. It’s  _ME_.  **I**  can’t measure up to you.. nor your expectation. Yunho, I’m a bad person..”

 

“No, you’re not. You are my  **best**  friend..”

 

“ **Yes** , I am. But Yunho, I’m not like you.. I can’t smile and be sweet and patient and just  _freakin_ ’ nice to everyone. I like to break few rules just for the heck of it, I love to drink and be drunk and just do stupid stuffs.. But when I’m with  _you_ , I feel like I’m disappointing you.. Like I’ve  **tainted**  you somehow and I found myself beginning to love  _and_  hated you at the same time. You were amazing and supportive and so sweet but all I could saw or  _THINK_  I saw: Were your eyes _judging_  me. And not just you, but the whole damn world as well. And I know it was stupid but over time, those very same reasons I fell in love with you become the  **burden**  that I just can’t bear. I left because I don’t want to lose you.. And I _would_  have should I stay.. And Yunho, I would rather  **die**  than not having you in my life even not as a lover, at least as the  _dearest_  friend.”

 

Silence fell between the two men after that.

For what else could be said?

 

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

 

“I don’t know. I was stupid, I felt bad.. There were a  **million**  reasons why I didn’t and another million reasons why I know I should. I can’t give you one definite answer, Yun.. All I know at that time was that I  _need_  to get away..”

 

“… From me.”

 

A statement. Not a question.

 

“From us, from the  _insane_  life we led, from all the constant supervision.. I felt trapped and I just can’t..”

 

“Okay..”

 

“Yun, I’m sorry. I wish I could say that I’ll do differently if  we could go back to that time. But I..”

 

“I say  _Okay_ , Jae..  **Really**. You don’t need to explain.”

 

Pause.

“You’re angry.”

 

“No. I’m not. I just..”

 

Yunho shook his head.

“You know what, never mind. It’s late and I need to go..”

 

“Yunho..”

 

Jaejoong tried to reach out to the younger man.

Yunho jerked away – nearly stumbling to the floor in his haste to get off his chair.

 

“ **No!**  I mean.. I really have to go.. I’ll.. uh.. I’ll call you later.”

 

The pinched look on his face broke Jaejoong’s heart.

But before he could say anything else, Yunho had ran away from the café..

 

Jaejoong sighed and looked up to heaven as if trying to pray for forgiveness.

‘ _Yunho-ya…’_

 

 

**TBC?**

 


	3. THIS IS HOW ONE STOPPED AND STUMBLED

 

He’d been sitting in the dark for God knows how long before he realized he could no longer see the photo frames on the mantel at the opposite wall. He’d apparently been staring at them for quite a while although he’s been unaware of it.

 

Almost like in a trance he stood up and quietly made his way across to pick one up. It was a picture of the group – back when they were still 5. Tilting his head, he gently traced each laughing faces – forever captured frozen in time. How young he was, how sweet, how naïve… how  _stupid_. Idly he wonders if the rotten core that finally broke them apart had been festering even in that perfect happy moment. 

 

He let the frame dropped from his hand to the marble floor where the delicate clear crystal crashed into a million shiny pieces. Mindless of sharp crystal shards scattered around his bare feet, he picks up another frame. 

 

This time it is a creamy ceramic, with cartoonish couple of doves with trails of fat red hearts trailing behind them encircling the heart shaped glass centre where another photo of the group was encased. Different from the first picture though, this one only has two people in it. It wasn’t even a real picture.. Just something he found on the internet – from a fancam or something similar.. But compares to any of other professionally taken photo, he loves this one the most. 

 

Like most of photos from fancam, they didn’t even realized their picture was taken and to him perhaps that was what drew him to it in the first place. He imagined he could see fondness in the other’s smile.. love in the other’s smile reflecting his own that shown bright and obvious even through the blurry picture. 

 

 **Idiot**.

 

He chuckled wryly and let this frame joined its companion on the floor. Unlike the previous however, this ceramic frame didn’t shatter but broke cleanly into two upon impact with the hard marble.

 

He laughed harder, choked on his own sob.

That was an  _apt_  metaphor if he ever saw one. 

 

One after another joined the party on the floor: photo frames, some little figurines he thought was cute before but now could see how useless they really were, a little cuckoo clock they received as their housewarming gift eons ago, a couple of DIY mugs (one perfectly molded while another barely resembles any mugs ever created) – he remembers how he whined and pout because his creation looks nothing like his lover’s… he remembers that small tweak on his nose and affectionate kiss on his cheek and low voice telling him that his mug is the  _prettiest_  there was. These  **two** , he throws extra hard on the wall – feeling  _almost_  morbid satisfaction at the shattering sounds of things that can never be mend again.

 

He looks down on the floor.

 

 _Oops_.

 

Messy.

So  **so**  messy..

 

Better clean these up or else he would get scold.

And that wouldn’t do, would it? 

 

He didn’t want to be left behind  **again**.

 

To the kitchen he goes.

 

Bare feet crunching on the pretty shiny shards, smears of red left in his wake, each steps pushing each sharp piece to dig deeper into soft vulnerable flesh.

He hums a tuneless song as he kneels and picks up each shard and put them in the wastebasket carefully.

 

Wouldn’t want the other to hurt himself, right?

He would get ever so mad..

 

Rubbed and scrubbed until everything is clean and pristine again. 

 

Nothing sharp nor a drop of red anywhere.

 

What a wonderful invention plastic bag was – he thought absentmindedly looking at a couple of bags he put around his feet so he wouldn’t dirty the floor yet again. 

 

He went to his room, flipped on the light and blinked in the sudden white glare until his eyes adjusted. Advancing further he stood in front of the mirror alongside the walk-in closet and inspected the man staring back at him. Head tilted, he lifted a hand and traces the worn-out feature in the mirror.

 

“It’s you..” 

He told the man.

 

“It has always been you.”

 

He never was the brightest bulb in the box, he’d always known that.

And he never let it bothers him before.

 

After all despite his natural clumsy nature, he is far from stupid. 

 

He was just not  _smart_  enough.

 

Too desperate for approval.. for acceptance..

To prove to everyone that he could do anything once he put his mind to it.

 

Too  _scared_.

Too scared of rejection.. of being lost among seas of people..

 

To be forgotten

 

…and  **lonely**.

 

He wanted to find that one person whom he was right for and who was right for him.

 

That one person who by the end of the day, take him in their arms and tell him that he did good.

That person who would hold his hand and let him cries and won’t make fun of him afterward.

That person who would loved him and be  _loved_  by him in return.

 

Someone he belonged with.

 

His  **place**  in the world.

 

Apparently that was too much to ask for.

 

He  _really_  should’ve known better.

 

“Idiot.” 

 

Hard dark brown eyes stared back.

Anger.

 

Hot  **white**  anger.

 

He looked at the thin rivulet of blood trailing from his fist down the previously smooth surface of the mirror.

 

“Well, no more..”

He told the cracked image behind the glass. 

 

Problem:  **Found**.

 

Time to do something about it.

_TBC_

 

_ _


	4. AND TOWARDS THE EDGE THEY CRAWLED

 

_He looked up at the bright blue sky above._

_Idly he wonders why his eyes don’t hurt even though he is staring straight at the sun (or at least that’s what he thinks that bright white ball of light above is)._

 

_“..nho.”_

 

_Hmm… It’s so comfortable here~ His whole body feels light and just so warm and snuggly – He had forgotten how lovely it felt to just sleeps in and not to worry about another day working his ass off and **still**  it won’t be enough._

 

_“Yunho..”_

 

_He yawned and stretched lazily, eyes close – still determined to ignore the ever clearer voice calling his name._

 

_“Yunho, wake up. Time’s a wasting, boy. I would like to converse with my grandson before I send him back~”_

 

_The warm deep voice was a melody long buried. His eyes snapped open – disbelieving._

 

_“Hello boy.”_

 

_Yunho gapes,_

_“Harabeoji..”_

 

_His grandfather laughed gaily – the booming, much loved and missed sound brought instant tears to Yunho’s eyes._

_“You look like your eyes going to pop out, my boy.. Don’t you want to hug your grandpa?”_

 

_Yunho jumped up and launched himself onto the sturdy older figure. His grandfather always had been on the bigger side (though towards the end of his life, that tall strapping body dwindled away to bones and skin) and when he was young, there was no place in the world where Yunho feels safest outside from his Grandpa’s hugs._

 

_“I..How.. AM I **dead**?”_

_He stuttered._

 

_Again that booming laugh,_

_“No boy.. This is just a visit..”_

 

_Yunho withdrew from the tight embrace and sat in front of the older man._

_“So this is just a dream? But.. You never talked to me before. When I dreamt of you before.. you only ever smiled or waved me away..”_

 

_“Ah~.. I guess.. You’ve never truly needed me before..”_

 

_That hurts._

 

_“I’ve always needed you. You’re the only one that believes in me.. The only one that **loves**  me. But you went away..”_

 

_A sad smile,_

_“I didn’t do it on purpose, Yunho..”_

 

_“I know but..”_

_He swallowed heavily – his voice thick with emotion he tries to suppress._

_“It’s so hard.. No one ever wanted me but you.”_

 

_“Come on now.. You know that’s not true. Your parents love you and I know for fact that you’ve made quite a name for yourself.”_

 

_Yunho laughed wryly,_

_“I can’t trouble Appa and Umma.. They’re busy enough with Jihye.. And those fans, they don’t know the real me.. That’s why they **think**  they like me..”_

 

_“Well, how about that nice boy: Shim Changmin, was it? I know that you love him back.”_

 

_“Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me either..”_

_Yunho whispered – looking down at his hands._

 

_“Yunho-ya..”_

 

_“I’m tired.. I’m so so tired.. Can’t I stay here with you?”_

_He pleaded._

 

_“It’s not your time yet, Yunho.. Not for a very long time.”_

 

_“I don’t want to go back.. Granpa, please..”_

 

_All he got for reply is just another sad smile._

 

*********

 

He opened his eyes and the familiar sight of his room greets him in the darkness. 

Slowly he brought a hand up to his face and touched the wetness on his face.

 

A  **dream**.

 

What a  _cruel_  joke God played.

 

He turned and buried his face deeper against the soft fluffy pillow.

 

And if there are more wet drops welled up from his closed lids, well~  no one to witness it and they were quickly absorbed by the pillow and none would be the wiser.

 

***********************************************************

 

“Changmin-sshi.. um.. can I talk to you for a bit?”

 

Changmin looked up from his stretching warm-ups to see their new manager standing in front of him – shuffling his feet while looking over his shoulder nervously.

 

Across the studio, Yunho is instructing their backup dancers on the latest TVXQ choreography. Well, to call it ‘ _instructing_ ’ might be stretching it a bit, Changmin thought as another scathing remark drifted from the formerly gentle sweethearted man. 

 

“Changmin-sshi?”

 

Changmin turned his attention  to the man before him again,

“Ah ye.. What can I do for you hyung?”

 

The older man shuffled his feet nervously again.

“Uh.. not here. Could.. Could I talk to you in private please..”

 

Curious, Changmin followed the manager outside the studio and into an empty waiting room. He hopped on one of the long desk.

“So, what’s up hyung?”

 

The older man hesitated and for a while Changmin longs for their former no-nonsense but fair manager. The man may be strict but at least he’s not timid and make sure TVXQ to always be alert and on their feet.

 

“It’s okay hyung. Whatever you may heard of me before, I never actually bite anyone. Just say it out whatever’s on your mind. I can take it.”

He reassured.

 

The other man smiled wryly,

“Changmin-sshi.. Do you know what’s going on with Yunho-ya? He was so happy and kind before but this past couple of month he’s been…”

The manager trailed off.

 

Idly Changmin wonders why he’s the formal ‘ _-sshi_ ’ while Yunho is the more affectionate ‘ _-ya_ ’ but  he understand what the other man trying to say. It’s like he himself doesn’t know  **who**  Yunho is anymore. The man’s personality gets a complete 180 degrees turnaround. 

 

Gone was the bumbling lovable childish man he used to be in love with ( _still_  is actually) and in its place is this sullen stranger.

 

It’s been widely known that Changmin is the brat while Yunho is the one who never lacks kind words and tight hugs for everyone he meets. He’s the best dance instructor one could ever hope to have for while Yunho has always been **perfectionist**  but he also one of the  _kindest_  and  _most_  patient person anyone knows before. And he has this way of channeling his own endless passion for dancing to others that more often than not by the end of each dance lesson most would leave with smiles on their face – tired but happy with sky-high hopes renewed by their adorable sunbaenim.

 

Most importantly, Yunho’s  **smile**  had gone.

Changmin’s personal treasure.. his most  _ **precious**  _thing.. the one that he promised to protect at all cost.

 

 **Gone**.

 

And it was his fault.

 

“… so you see, some of the makeup cordi even threatened to quit, one of the backup dancer had a mental breakdown and had to be admitted in the hospital while another one just burst to tears everytime Yunho comes into the room. Um.. I don’t mean to pry but~ did you guys have a fight? I mean, I know it’s none of my business but people been talking and I have it on good authority that the only one that’s capable of making Yunho acting up is  **you**.”

 

“Uh..”

 

The previously nervous-looking man looked directly into Changmin’s eyes – making the young singer straightened up subconsciously.

“Fix it, Changmin-shhi. By all means and cost,  **fix**  it.”

 

“I..”

Changmin started but stopped at the sharp glint of the other’s eyes. Why he had ever thought the new manager is just another harmless timid guy, he doesn’t know.. It’s obvious the man isn’t one to be trifled with.

“Um.. I mean, I’ll try..”

He mumbled looking down at his dangling shoes.

 

“Great. I hope both of you will work things out soon. All this negative emotions aren’t good for complexion, you know..”

The man smile pleasantly and clapped Changmin on his shoulder.

“Plus, who knows maybe that  _sadness_  in your eyes would be gone too when you patch things up.”

 

Changmin’s eyes flew upward in surprise only to meet with the (dare he say it?) ‘ _fatherly_ ’ smile of the older male.

“I’m not..”

 

“Changmin-sshi..”

The grip on his shoulder tightened.

“Sometimes pride is  **nothing**  compares to losing the one you love..”

 

“We’re not..”

He choked out.

 

“Changmin-sshi!”

Swallowing heavily, Changmin looked up again. The understanding look on the other’s face is his undoing.

 

“He will  _never_  forgive me.”

He whispered.

 

“Maybe it wasn’t  **apology**  he was looking for..”

 

With another encouraging squeeze, the manager let go of him and left the room – shutting the door quietly behind him, leaving Changmin alone to ponder on his jumbled thoughts.

 

************************************************************

 

“Yunho.”

 

The quiet voice had an almost after atomic-bomb effect on the studio. 

 

Everybody just froze and one could even hear a pin drop in the sudden silence that fell across the room. 

Dancers, staff and few juniors look tensely at the two tall men standing on either side of the room. The taller (and younger) one of them is looking at the slighter and older one calmly while the other just ignored the stare and keeps on packing his sports bag. 

 

“We need to talk.”

From the corner of his eyes, Changmin could see their manager quickly ushered everybody out of the room. Within seconds, the door to the studio clicked close – leaving the two men to their privacy.

 

Yunho still acts as if there’s nothing going and just keep on changing his shoes and quickly changed his shirt. He throws the dirty one back into the bag and zipped it closed. He stood up Changmin could see he is about to make the run for the exit.

The younger crossed the room and grabbed the other’s shoulders before turning him to face Changmin directly.

 

“Did you  _hear_  me? I said we need to talk.”

 

Yunho roughly shrugged Changmin’s hold and scowl up at him,

“I  **heard**. But since there’s nothing to talk about and I’m  _tired_  so I think it’s better for me to just go home. You, well~ you could stay here all night if you want.”

 

Once again Yunho attempted to walk past Changmin and once again the younger male grabbed his shoulder except this time he shoved Yunho hard against the wall – the painful hiss of the other lend a moment of satisfaction to Changmin.

 

 _Anything_  is better than just being ignored.

 

“Dammit Yunho, just fucking  **listen**  will you!”

 

Yunho leaned back and crossed his arms,

“Well..? I’m listening.”

He asked drily, an eyebrow rose.

 

Now that he has the other’s full attention, Changmin found himself speechless… and also  _enthralled_.. This is the first time in so many weeks that he is in close proximity with his ex-lover. 

 

The bright chocolate brown eyes – blank and dead when before there’s nothing but  **pure**  love and adoration, still managed to mesmerizes Changmin. 

The cupid’s bow shaped lips – bright red from its owner chewing throughout the day, looks more  _inviting_  than ever.

The heady smell of sweat mixed with Yunho’s own sweet scent – thanks to the strawberry soap and shampoo the older male preferred so much, so very **intoxicating**  and  _tantalizing_  to Changmin’s senses. 

 

At the continued silence, Yunho sneered.

“Thought so.”

 

He pushed roughly and this time Changmin lets him past – the younger’s head looking down at the dirty floor.

Just before he turned on the knob to go out the studio, the quiet voice stopped him in his track.

 

“You were the one who left..”

 

Yunho turned around to see Changmin looked up slowly until their eyes met.

 

“Yunho,  _you_  were the one who left first.”

Changmin whispered brokenly.

 

Yunho inhaled deeply – the deeply ingrained instinct in him to take care of the most precious person to him nearly overwhelming in its need to run towards the sad maknae and just  **shelters**  him from any hurt in the world. 

 

He had to remind himself that it’s  **not**  his right anymore.

 

“Yes, I was.”

Yunho admitted softly.

“But Changmin-ah…  _you_  were the one who  **never**  stopped me.”

 

And with the gentlest sharpest click, Changmin was left.

 

Once again. 

 

_Alone._

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Since Yunho was very close with his grandfather, I just thought it'll be natural for him to dream about his harabeoji (and not his parents) when he was at his saddest~


	5. MOTHER KNOWS BEST

 

"Umma~ I think there’s something wrong with Changmin-Oppa. He’s not as _mean_  as he always is.”

 

Mrs Shim rolled her eyes at her youngest daughter,

"Maybe he decided to be the adult that he is now.. Something that  _you_  could take a page from.”

 

Jiyeon made a thoughtful face for a second then shook her head,

"Nah~ I don’t think that’s it. He’s not as annoying as he should be either. I didn’t even need to yell at him to hurry up in the bathroom today. Umma, do you think Oppa is  _heart_  broken? Maybe he’s dating someone and we didn’t now about it..”

 

Jiyeon pursed her lips,

"Could it be Seohyun-unnie? Andwae! I don’t like her.. Or perhaps it’s Yeonhee-unnie? But Oppa didn’t like her  _that_  much, I think?? Omo, perhaps it’s..  **Ouch** , Umma~!”

 

Mrs Shim shakes the wooden mixing spoon that she used to knocked on her daughter’s head,

"Aigoo~ you’re still young yet likes to gossip like an  _ahjumma_! Just leave your brother alone, _jinjja~_  He’s probably tired from all their activities. Ah~ what can I do with this nosy daughter huh? No man wants to marry you later on.”

 

Jiyeon scoffed,

"Who cares about marriage? I will finish my study and open my own business. So I don’t have time for all this marriage nonsense~ Don’t worry Umma, Unnie said that she will take care of you and Appa. And after I’m rich enough, we can hire a nurse to take care of you guys~"

 

Mrs Shim sighed,

"Aigoo… where did I go wrong in raising you, huh? I will never get a grandchild like this.. Aigoo~.."

 

"Changmin-oppa could give you grandkids, right? It’s not as if he would be heart broken  _forever_ ~”

 

Mrs Shim shakes her head and turned back to her mixing bowl - stirring the pajeon mix evenly,

"That’s why Jiyeon-ah, I told you not to be so nosy when you don’t know anything~"

 

Jiyeon narrowed her eyes at her mother’s smug tone,

"Wait.. you  _know_  something, didn’t you?”

 

Mrs Shim shrugged. She would be the first to defend any of her children to outsiders but it’s also a well-known fact that her youngest Jiyeon is a tad bit  _too_ blunt and insensitive.. And  Mrs Shim doesn’t want Jiyeon to blab anything to Changmin without confirming her suspicion first. 

 

"Umma~… tell me~ Am I not family? Are you playing  _favourite_? Do you  _WANT_ your daughter to feel unloved that one day she might possibly turns to life of crime??”

Jiyeon wailed dramatically. Unfortunately for her, her family is used to her theaterics’ way.

 

"Uh.. Umma?"

 

Both mother and daughter stopped bickering and turned to see their subject of discussion standing near the kitchen doorway.

 

"Oh Changmin-ah~.. Uh.. you’re awake already.. Had a nice nap? Are you hungry sweetie? Just wait a while and I’ll have your favourite bulgogi pajeon ready, ok?"

 

Changmin stepped into the kitchen - looking uneasy and awkward,

"No that’s okay. I’m not hungry. Um, Umma can we talk?..  _Privately_?”

 

Mrs Shim took one look at her only son’s face and know that this is of important matter.

"Of course we could. Jiyeon, leave us. Go and bother Appa instead.."

 

She hold up one hand to her daughter when it looks like she’s going to protest.

 

Jiyeon pouted and flounced out the room,

 

“ _Fine~_  I know where I’m not wanted~..”

She called out. in huff.

 

Mrs Shim rolled her eyes again,

"Ignore her. Come baby, sit down. I’ll make you your favourite hot chocolate and you can tell Umma what’s bothering you, ok?"

 

Changmin smiled and lets his mother ushered him to one of the bar stool before bustling around the pristine kitchen to make the best hot chocolate for her baby.

 

******************

 

"Appa~ lets go out."

 

Mr Shim rustled the newspaper and peered at his youngest daughter over the rim of his reading glasses.

"Eh? I thought your Umma is making pajeon for tea?"

 

Jiyeon bounded over and began tugging at  one of her Appa’s hand.

"Ani~ Umma and Oppa is having some private conversation~..  **NOT**  that I wasn’t invited. I just feel like spending time with you instead~”

She added quickly.

 

Mr Shim raised his eyebrows,

"Right~.."

 

"C’mon Appa.. It’s been so long since we hang out~"

 

He gave up and stood up to get ready.

"Where are we going anyway?"

 

"There’s a new mall just opened near Myeongdong. And they’re having a sale!! Lets check it out~"

 

Mr Shim shook his head and just resigned to his fate.

 

 ***********************************   

 

"Let me just get this straight: So you and Yunho really are together?"

 

" _Was_.."

Changmin replied miserably. Hot chocolate long gone cold and clumpy in the mug in front of him.

 

Mrs Shim blinked,

"Right. Uhm.. So you and Yunho, huh?"

 

"Are you mad at me?"

 

At the small voice, Mrs Shim leaned forward and take one of Changmin’s hand in hers,

"No sweetie.. Why would I be mad at you?"

 

"Well… I had relationship with other  _man_. Aren’t I a disappointment to the family or something? You and Appa would never get a daughter-in-law now..”

 

"Sweetie, I have my hands full just trying to keep your sisters in line already. I _supposed_  it’s nice to have a daughter-in-law but I’m not shedding any tears over the lack of it..”

 

"How about Appa? Think he would be disappointed in me?"

 

"Um.. lets just that he owes me 30000 won now, ok?"

 

"….. Did you guys bet on my sexual orientation?"

Changmin asked - deadpanned.

 

"Uh.. never mind about that~ Lets talk about your relationship with Yunho instead. I  _do_  love that boy.. Such a darling~ He’s practically family already!”

 

Changmin looked in suspicious at his Umma’s bright face before his depression came flooding back and he starts thumping his head on the table.

"There’s no more relationship between Yunho and I Umma.. He hates me now. At first I thought he was just jealous of Kyuhyun but~.. I don’t know.. It seems like deeper than that. Like he was just  _waiting_  for an excuse to leave, you know..”

 

Laying his (sore) head folded arms, he mumbled to the tabletop.

"Maybe he was.. Maybe I should just give up."

 

Mrs Shim looks down at the sad young man thoughtfully,

"Changmin, you told me that Yunho confessed to you first right?"

 

"Uh huh.."

 

"Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way. Obviously I don’t know Yunho as well as you do.. But I  _do_  know my son.. I know how..  _emotionally-detached_  you could seem to other people.”

 

"….."

 

"And honey, even when we know that person for a long time, when friend turned to lover..There would be  _different_  expectation. Extra attention you have provide.. Some stuff you just can’t cut corners. You have to invest all the way to make the relationship works. Maybe both of you have been together as friends for so long that you tend to take him for granted. From what I’ve seen of Yunho, he needs to be more than just your go-to guy when you need someone to warm your bed at night. He needs you to be  _just_  as much in love with him as he is with you. He can’t settle for less.. He doesn’t  _deserves_  that.. And neither do  **you** deserve to be with someone you are unable to provide emotional attachment with. Have you consider Changmin, that perhaps this breaking up is probably a good thing?”

 

"No. I might be cold or whatever it was you said. But I know.. I  _know_  inside my heart that it could only be Yunho. I can’t.. I  _won’t_  accept any other option. He’s _it,_ Umma.. No one else.

He’s my  **One**..”

Changmin looked up pleadingly at his mother.

 

Mrs Shim sighed deeply,

"Well if that’s the case, why are you still here then? Why didn’t you go after him?"

 

"I don’t know know how.. I don’t even know what to say or even how to approach him. It’s like looking into the eyes of a stranger.. He’s different from the Yunho I used to know.. Even when I was standing right in front of him, there were no words. My mind’s blank.. and.. I.."

 

Mrs Shim decided to take pity on her son,

"And you feel this overwhelming intense fear that you will screw up and lose him.."

 

Changmin took a deep shaky breath,

"I think I already did.."

 

"Love is not a switch, Changmin-ah.. You can’t just flip it on and off at whim. Yunho is deeply hurt and he may be too angry now, yes. But I doubt he loves you any less. Both of you could act or play it off as being close as brothers all you want on stage. But Changmin-ah, there’s a reason why people said eyes are windows to the soul.. 

Did you realize that it doesn’t matter what you guys are doing at the time, whenever you are in the same room his eyes would often trailing back to you- like he can’t help but just checking on you.. And Min, when  _he_  laughs, your own eyes lightened up. 

As a mother, there’s nothing more I could ask for for my babies: For them to find someone who will love and stay with them for the rest of their life. Isn’t that the most precious gift? To know that you will never be alone.

Sure your Appa didn’t want to admit it at first but even he can’t deny there’s more between both of you than just brotherly love.”

 

Changmin swallowed heavily and whispered,

"I love him so much.. How could he ever  _doubt_  that? He’s  **everything**  to me..”

 

"Because love can’t just be felt with the heart. It needs words and gestures and efforts to flourish.. I’m not saying you have to declare your feelings publicly or with grand actions. It’s those simplest  _silliest_  smallest things, Changmin-ah.. that speaks the loudest. And most importantly, you have to know  _your_  heart well before you could ever afford to give it away. Take this break as an opportunity to really look inside you, sweetie.

What is it about Yunho that makes you love him in the first place? Is it because of the circumstances that makes you guys automatically drawn together? Will you still love him 10, 20 years down the road when TVXQ might be no more?  **Know** yourself Changmin. Know yourself well and what you really want before you can take care of Yunho.

Whatever your decision is, know that Appa and Umma love and will support you always..”

 

With that Mrs Shim stood up and kissed the top of her son’s head before leaving the kitchen and Changmin to his own musings. 

 

 

**TBC**

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I think our Changmin is totally his Umma’s boy~.. He only ever talks about her compares to his dad or other siblings ^_^. I think Changmin’s umma is a sweet and gentle and quite girlish at heart (actually, kinda like Yunho a bit right?? haha) and she will definitely have his back no matter what her son wanna do. 
> 
> \- This one’s not as angst as others.. But I think this how RL Changmin would act. He will turn to his Umma for anything regarding love/emotional problem instead of complaining to his friend (i.e: Kyuhyun) or just stew in it. Despite their personalities, Yunho would be more likely to suppress his feelings whereas Changmin tend to let everyone know of his opinions and feelings. 
> 
> \- Side note: Yunho photobombed so cutely :)


	6. 5, 4, 3, 2.....

 

_"What is it about Yunho that makes you love him in the first place?_

 

_Is it because of the circumstances that made you guys automatically drawn together?_

 

 _Will you still love him 10, 20 years down the road when TVXQ might be no more?…_ ”

 

 

Changmin sighed heavily and rubbed his face.

 

Umma was right.

How could he even begin to care for someone else’s heart when he doesn’t fully know..  _understand_  his own. 

 

Yunho deserves better than that.

 

Time to man up.

 

 

*********************************

 

 

Yunho peers inside the dark auditorium suspiciously.

 

He received the text from Changmin that morning - asking him to come to the Coex auditorium that night.

 

‘ _We need to talk_ ' 

the text said and provided time and venue.

 

Typical Changmin-style: never ask.. just automatically assumes that Yunho would always follow. 

 

Yunho thought of just ignoring the text and not turning up.. but then~ found himself pacing impatiently in his living room as the hours drew nearer to the said time.

 

Finally he decided fuck with it all, he’s done letting Changmin messing around with his life and hurting his heart. Maybe he needs this… the chance for him to let go of the other for once and all. 

 

For all the polite civil ‘ _lets be professional here_ ' thing they have between them now, Yunho misses their former lighthearted easygoing relationship.

He needs closure.

 

They…  _ **Changmin**_ deserves that at least..

 

Bracing himself for.. (what exactly??),

Yunho took a deep breath and stepped into the auditorium.

 

The echo of his footsteps rang loudly in the large dark hall..

He stops halfway down the long stairs - looking around at all the eerily empty tiered chairs, unsure whether to feel annoyed or relief to see that he’s all alone.

 

Yunho remains a moment motionless, heaves a great sigh and looks at his watch - the tiny blue light from the surface shows him that he still has half an hour left before the promised time.

 

He was contemplating on what could possibly Changmin wants to talk about when the sudden whirl from the projector overhead causes him to jumped a little and the huge screen at front lit up.

 

>  
> 
> _"Changmin-ah~~~…"_

 

 

Yunho swallowed heavily as Jaejoong’s face appeared in front of the camera - grinning cheekily before the camera turned and focused on the lanky figure on the bed. From the angle and the quality, it appears that Jaejoong had filmed this himself using his phone’s camera. And judging from Jae’s dorky hair style and cherubic face that still has traces of baby fats on it, Yunho guessed this was taken just slightly after they debuted. 

 

>  
> 
> _"Yes, hyung?"_

 

 

Yunho couldn’t help but smile a little at the still-a-bit- squeaky voice of the maknae..

 

‘ _God.. he looks so young.._ ’

He thought as the image of fresh faced, chubby-cheeks, Bambi eyes - complete with glasses 15 years old SHim Changmin came on.

‘ _..and so very sweet and obedient too.._ ’

 

>  
> 
> _"Owh~.. meet the cutest cute maknae in the whole world: Shim Changmin.. Come here Changmin-ah~ hyung wanna give you a ppopo.."_

 

 

Yunho chuckles softly as Baby!Changmin allowed himself to be reigned in by Jaejoong for the older man to kiss his cheek.

 

‘ _Yeah, enjoy that while you can, Jae.. It wasn’t long before Changmin would clobber you for just hugging him.._ ’

 

>  
> 
> _"Changmin-ah~.. hyung wants to interview you a bit okay? It’s for my private collection.."_

 

 

Changmin made a face (all wrinkled nose and puffy cheeks and Yunho can’t help but coo a little at how cute he was) but didn’t say anything.

 

>  
> 
> _"Okay Changmin.. TVXQ very own sweet maknae~_
> 
> _Tell me: Who is the hyung that you love and want to be like the most..”_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Uhm~… this is just for your private collection, right hyung?"_

 

 

The camera moved up and down.

 

>  
> 
> _Changmin clearly hesitated but decided to trust his hyung,_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Um.. that would be~~~ Yunho-hyung."_
> 
> _He said - so brightly and happily_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Eh??!! Yunho?? I thought you are scared of him??"_
> 
>  
> 
> _Changmin gave a small shy smile,_
> 
> _"A bit.. but Jae-hyung, don’t you think Yunho-hyung is like a sun? One can’t help but be awe of him.."_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Hmm~ sounds like someone has a crush…"_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Ah! WHat are you talkin’ about, hyung!"_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Aigoo~ you’re blushing.. how adorable our maknae is, jinjja~…kekeke.."_

 

 

Then the video paused. 

 

"I lied"

 

The quiet voice above him had Yunho turns around in startled alarm and he saw Changmin standing on couple of steps above him.

 

The younger man isn’t looking at Yunho - opting to look straight ahead at where the picture of his younger self is frozen on the screen instead. 

"All those time I said that you scared me.. that I felt uncomfortable of you coz you were so strict.. That wasn’t exactly my first impression of you."

 

He took a quick glance at Yunho who hasn’t taken his eyes off Changmin and gave him a wry smile,

"Honestly, from the very first moment I saw you, I’m in awe. 

You know I never even want to be an artist in the first place, right? I just.. well, Umma was so excited so I thought I just gave it a try for few months and later on just tell her that it’s not working out.

But then I saw you.

In the middle of all those other trainees.”

 

Changmin looks forward to some distant past where they were all still so young and innocent.

"Do you have any idea how mesmerizing you looked?

That look in your eyes: you were so full of joy, it shamed me for being ungrateful for the opportunity of being there.”

 

He gave a little chuckle,

"Of course just after that you started being mean and bullyish to me.." ( *******   _refer to author note at the end_ )

 

"Yeah well.. you were being rude little shit too."

Yunho can’t help but speaks up - their momentous first meeting all those years ago flitted into his mind.

 

Changmin came down few steps to stand before Yunho - although he’s still looking at the screen in front. 

"That’s true. I was a brat then.."

 

He smiles when he heard Yunho  muttering ‘ _and how is you now any different_ ' under his breath. 

"But then every time I thought of quitting, my mind would drift back to that happy boy - dancing like there was nowhere else in this world he would rather be aside that humid cramped studio."

 

He turned to face Yunho finally,

"Do you get it, hyung?

I stay because of you.

I’ll  _always_  stay for you..”

 

He took in a deep shaky breath,

"You said you felt like I was only with you because it was convenient.. that you’re tired feeling like you never measure up.

That I’m choosing Kyuhyun over you..

That I….

..don’t love you”

 

Yunho didn’t say anything up ‘til then but from they’re close enough that Changmin noticed the other man’s pulse jumping up in his neck at that last whispered sentence

"Yeah, so? 

What, you feel the need to confirm it directly to me now? Scared that I keep being delusional and begs you to come back?

All this to show that you’re not the same Changmin I thought I knew… that you’re all grown up and..and…”

 

Yunho faltered in his words before looking as if he’s gathering every single ounce of energy and dignities within him.

Raising his chin slightly, cheeks flushing red, he looks Changmin straight in the eyes,

"You don’t have to go through the trouble.

I already  _know_  that..”

 

He turned to leave

 

(‘ _justgogogogogogogo.._ ' Yunho could feel the familiar prickling behind his eyes.. perhaps he is still an idiot… because he can't lie to himself even if he wanted to: that deep inside… somewhere  **deep**  inside, he actually have that sliver of hope)

 

He took all about two steps before he was pulled back by arms around his waist. 

 

Yunho made to move away but the other’s hands held tighter and he couldn’t help but leans back just a little bit more against the warm hard chest behind him - Changmin may seems slighter than he is but in reality, that svelte build hides forcefulness and strength that could rival Yunho’s own. 

 

After making sure he has Yunho exactly where he wants and that the older man won’t be getting away (unless he wants to throw Changmin over his shoulder, that is..), Changmin buries his face against the side of Yunho’s neck,

 

"Don’t leave, hyung..

Not again.”

 

Yunho shudders at the touch of warm wet breath against his soft skin,

"Changmin…"

He breathe shakily

 

Changmin pulled him closer,

"No. No, listen to me.. baby, _please_..

I’m sorry.. I’m so  **so**  sorry for ever making you feel like you’re  _anything_  less than the one most precious to me. 

God.. Yunho-ya.. 

 _I love you_.”

 

Yunho jerked away automatically at the sudden confession.

 

Wha…Why..? Why would Changmin even  _say_  that?

 

In all the times they were dating, not once.. not even  _once_  has the L-word passed through Changmin’s lips directed towards him.. not unless it was in jests and in front of fans - and even then the younger man was clearly uncomfortable and reluctant in expressing any kind of affection towards him. 

 

It was always Yunho.. It was always..  _always_  him who kept following Changmin around like some stupid..  _stupid_  dog starved for some scraps of attention. 

 

So why now?

 

Why now when Yunho is doing his best to let him go?

 

How cruel can one be.. how much longer can they do this push and pull dance..?

 

Something had to give at the end, and Yunho feared it would be him.

 

"Liar"

Choked whisper.

 

Changmin grabbed Yunho’s upper arms and spun him around, their chests pressed together.

"Never about this.

I love you, hyung..

Since we’ve met… there’s only ever been you..”

 

He looked down to the side in regret,

"But I was stupid

I was confused and scared - why? why do I have this kind of feeling for a boy… and a group mate at that? Why my eyes search for only yours whenever I step into a room? Why is it that your laughter makes something inside me aflutter and yet there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you smiling for just a little while longer..

And like an idiot, I tried to convince myself that this was just lust.. Just some  _stupid_  puberty hormones thingy that somehow went haywire inside me… even when it didn’t make sense.. after all, which hormone could I blame on dropping everything.. sacrificing  _everything_  just to stay by your side..”

 

Changmin raised his eyes to look at Yunho,

"Do you know how scary it is when you realizes how much power someone else could have over you.. that no armor in the world could stop them from touching your heart.. That you practically handed it over to them in a silver platter without even realizing it. To need someone so bad that their very existence to you are more precious than all the jewels and wealth and light and air in the world.."

 

He swallowed heavily and whisper,

"I fell in love with you, hyung..

and that is the  **scariest**  thing I’ve ever done.. ever  _felt_  before in my entire life.”

 

Another shaky breath,

"I filled my free days and time with Kyuhyun and others - desperate to fool myself that I’m not as far gone as I already am.. that it wouldn’t kill me should one day you realized that you deserve someone much better. I make fun of you because I don’t want anyone to know how vulnerable I am against you.

I hurt you because I don’t want to get hurt myself..

I forgot… that all that I am…

belongs to you already.

And there’s nothing I could do for it to be otherwise. 

For from the moment we met, I already lost in you.”

 

Tilting his head, Changmin cupped the side of Yunho’s face - thumb stroking that soft cheek,

"I love you, Yunho.

So  _so_  much..

And I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

Biting his lower lip nervously, Yunho wishes he could avert his eyes from that intense gaze. 

 

He wants to believe Changmin.. Oh, how he wants to believe those words so badly.

But…

 

"I’m not asking you to forgive me and take me back..

I just… 

I just want to let you know that you’re always my One.

 _Always_. 

And I’m sorry I never tell you that.

I’m sorry I ever made you cry.”

 

Too much.

It was all too much for Yunho to absorbed.

 

His head spinning.

His throat tight and he feels strangely like throwing up

 

His heart…. hurts.

 

He needs to calm down.

He needs to breathe

He needs…

He needs…

 

"I need to go."

He gave Changmin a stricken look before twisting out of the latter’s arms and takes a couple of steps backward.

 

"Wha…"

Changmin reached out but..

 

"I’m sorry"

Yunho turned on his heels and walks away - leaving Changmin standing there.

 

Alone.

 

Again..

 

 

**********

 

 

_Ttrrrr… Tttrrrr…_

 

Yunho lowered his arm and opened his eyes at the feeling of vibration coming from his phone. 

Flipping it open, he noticed he has 1 text message waiting. 

 

Even without opening it, he has good idea who the sender might be.

 

Hesitant at first but decided to not to be more of a coward than he already feel he is, he pressed the ‘Read’ button.

 

‘ _Hi._

_I’m sorry for today._

_I shouldn’t spring it on you so suddenly. You must be surprised, huh?_

_I’m not expecting anything just so you know.._

_I just want us to be okay again._

_\- Changmin_ ’

 

Yunho read the message twice before flops back on the thick pillow and tosses an arm across his face again. 

 

“ ** _Idiot_**. 

I’m such an idiot.”

 

 

***********

 

 

Yunho thought it’ll be more awkward between them at first - especially since he never really gives Changmin a definite answer. 

To be honest, he doesn’t understand his  **own**  feeling after Changmin’s confession. 

 

Sure, what came out of Changmin’s mouth the other night was  _everything_  Yunho ever wanted before.. all he ever craved.. 

He even - in a way, understands Changmin explanation of how he felt when they were together. 

 

So shouldn’t he be happy and accept the younger man back?

 

Truthfully though,

It’s not as easy as ‘ _I love him. He loves me back. Now let us ride towards the sunset together_.’

 

Years of emotional abuse..

Of constantly doubting himself

Of constantly doubting  ** _them_**

 

…are not so easily forgotten and forgiven after all..

 

 

*************

 

 

"Changmin-ah.. uh.."

Yunho started but hesitates.

 

Changmin looked upward from his laptop where he was catching up on some of reading materials for his final Doctoral thesis in between practices and recording.

Seeing Yunho standing next to his chair, shuffling from one foot to the other awkwardly, brought a slight smile to Changmin’s face. 

 

"Yes, hyung? Anything you need?"

 

Yunho frowned a bit at the other’s casual tone. Sometimes Changmin’s ability not to let personal matters interfere their professional working relationship bothers him a bit. Yunho could be as professional as the next person too but sometimes even he can’t help but let his emotions leak through his actions and tone of voice. 

It doesn’t help that the younger man looks so damn fine with that black rimmed glasses he likes to wear when he’s reading. 

 

"Um.. about the other night.. I.. I want to say.."

 

"Are you trying to let me down easy?"

Changmin asked - his gentle tone masking his broken heart inside.

 

"……"

 

Changmin sighed - running one hand through his disheveled hair,

"Hyung. I…..  It’s okay. I told you, right?

I just want us to be okay again.

I didn’t exp..”

 

"I’m still in love with you!"

Yunho blurted out - cutting Changmin off.

 

At the other’s startled look, Yunho could feel his face getting hotter. But he knows he needs to get this out.

"I mean.. 

Of  _course_  I still do, Changmin-ah.. I don’t think I could  **ever**  stop even if I want to.

Saying that, loving and  _liking_  a person are two different things..”

 

Yunho paused before deciding to just continue,

"You  _know_  I’ll walk to Hell and back for you, Changmin..  **no**  question asked.

But… in this, it’ll take some time before I trust you with my heart again.

You  _hurt_  me, Min..”

 

He clutches his chest,

"It’s still painful here..

I need time.”

 

Changmin bit his lips before saying quietly,

"That’s not a ‘ _No_ ’..”

 

Yunho smiles gently,

"No.

That’s just a ‘ _Maybe_ ’”

 

Changmin looked downward for few seconds - contemplating something.

When he looked back up again, his eyes are bright and his grin is wide (and just as endearing) as they were when he was still young and innocent,

"Maybe, huh?

Maybe is good..”

 

Yunho tilts his head and raised his eyebrows,

"You sure?

While it’s not a ‘ _No_ ’, Maybe is not a ‘ _yes_ ' too..

You  **understand**  that, right?”

 

The smile directed to him is so sweet that Yunho could almost feel his breath catch in his throat,

"I know it could go either way..

I  _do_  understand that.

But still..”

 

He stepped closer,

“ **Gomawoyo** , Yunho-ya…

For giving me a chance to start over again,

for giving a chance to discover  _us_  again..”

 

Changmin held both of Yunho’s hands in his tenderly and rest their foreheads together.

 

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and whispers softly

"Annyeonghaseyo Yunho-sshi..

Shim Changmin imnida.. “

 

Aware of the hot prickling sensation behind his lids and a lump in his throat, Yunho squeezes Changmin’s fingers and answered just as gently (albeit shakily),

"Ne.. 

Choeum bangapseumnida..”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**~FINIS~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- **** Refers to one of my fic on how their first meeting : (http://changhomin.tumblr.com/post/88640211149/homin-4#notes)
> 
> \- So~… this is it. The End. How was it? Are you guys disappointed? Are you satisfied? Personally, I like this ending. I understand most readers want a more.. um.. definite conclusion. But~ it’s not that easy.
> 
> I thought of giving them closure - maybe Yunho will forgives Changmin and everything would be rainbow and puppies again with them. But then I realized that that’s not possible coz it won’t be fair to Yunho - who endured quite a bit of emotional abuse from Changmin (and Jaejoong). Despite how much Changmin explained and for all his promises, what other proof that could support and ensure the same thing won’t happened again should they get back together? PLUS, if anyone noticed, there was a teeny tiny hint that Kyuhyun likes Changmin as more than just friends (no, neither Changmin nor Yunho actually noticed).
> 
> Another thing, it won’t also be fair to Changmin if everything got tied up so neatly and sweetly for him. He needs to grow up emotionally and starts taking responsible for his own actions/feeling. He needs to learn that he can’t expect other people to keep chasing and dote on him every single time. Sometimes he needs to go out of his way to open up to others and show how precious they are to him rather than just expects them to understand his feeling on their own. Most importantly he needs to learn people are not possession. That you could lose those you care about if you don’t take care and love them….
> 
> I like that they could end up together… or they could not.
> 
> Changmin needs that uncertainty to be a better person… being a beloved to someone is a huge responsibility after all~
> 
> \- To those who are confused, Changmin introducing himself to Yunho again at the end symbolizes that he wants them to get to know each other all over again.. This time with all cards on the table - no pretense, no hidden feelings, no masks.. Just them. This is inspired by TVXQ being..uh.. all~ cutey and affectionate since early this year - more specifically Changmin towards Yunho with the latter trying not to gush over him so much most of the time. 
> 
> \- This entire fic is so full of emotional ups and downs and I for one, honestly am surprised I managed to finish it. I’m aware that it’s not brilliant and the plot is full of holes and the ending leave much to be desired of. Saying that, it is mine and I’m strangely proud of it :)
> 
> \- To those who have been waiting for the ending, Thank you for your patience.. and I’m sincerely sorry for the delay. I also would like to apologize if this ending disappoints any of you.
> 
> \- Don’t ask what’s the meaning of this chapter's title =.=;;
> 
> \- C/C is greatly appreciated and treasured. I don’t expect any praise but hopefully most of you will be kind in commenting. 
> 
> Until the next fic m(_._)m,
> 
> CriZz


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